Introduction
Sex is a deeply personal experience—but it’s also interpersonal. Sexual dysfunction doesn’t just affect individuals; it ripples through relationships, sometimes creating distance, silence, or pain. Yet these challenges can also be an invitation: to reconnect, communicate honestly, and build intimacy on even firmer ground.
Up to one in three UK couples report ongoing sexual health concerns that affect their relationship satisfaction (Natsal-3, 2013). The good news: you are not alone, healing is possible, and couples who work together often come out stronger than before. Whether you’re seeking therapy together or simply want guidance, this article offers science-backed insight, real-life advice, and hope.
How Sexual Dysfunction Affects Relationships
The Emotional Landscape
When one or both partners struggle with sexual difficulties, emotional side-effects can multiply, including:
- Guilt (“I’m letting my partner down”)
- Rejection (“Is it me? Are they not attracted to me?”)
- Frustration and sadness
- Anxiety and anticipatory stress (“Will it happen again?”)
- Avoidance of intimacy or physical affection
Research says: Couples who avoid discussing these problems experience reduced emotional and sexual satisfaction (Mark et al., 2014).
Common Communication Pitfalls
- Silence: Wanting to avoid hurting the other, couples may stop talking altogether.
- Blame: Frustration can boil over into criticism or defensiveness.
- Assumptions: Interpreting a partner’s withdrawal as disinterest, rather than anxiety or medical difficulty.
The Opportunity for Connection
Turning towards the problem, rather than away, is key. Therapy and research agree: couples who respond to sexual dysfunction with teamwork deepen their emotional intimacy.
“In every difficulty, there is the seed of an equal or greater benefit.”
– Napoleon Hill
How to Talk About Sexual Difficulties With Your Partner
- Choose the Right Moment:
- Pick a relaxed, private time—never directly after intimacy gone awry.
- Agree to talk not “about blame”, but about feelings and hopes.
- Use “I” Statements:
- Say: “I’ve noticed I’ve been feeling anxious about sex and I’d like us to talk about it.”
- Avoid: “You never want sex anymore,” or “You’re not trying.”
- Share Your Experience—And Listen:
- Explain how the situation affects you, emotionally and physically.
- Invite your partner to share their feelings.
- Listen without interruption or defensiveness.
- Focus on the Relationship As A Team:
- Reaffirm commitment and attraction.
- Frame the challenge as one the relationship faces—not just an individual one.
Common Scenarios: Research-Backed Insights
Case Study 1: Emma and Daniel
Emma developed pain during intercourse after surgery. Daniel felt unsure how to help and began avoiding intimacy. Therapy taught them to replace intercourse with cuddling, massage, and other forms of affection, deepening intimacy—and pain gradually lessened as anxiety melted away.
Case Study 2: Priya and Sam
Priya’s job loss led to low libido and withdrawal. Sam felt rejected. Joint sessions allowed them to air their feelings, gain empathy, and find new ways to connect—physically and emotionally.
Key Lesson:
Couples who approach sexual problems together—especially with professional help—report less distress and higher satisfaction in the long term (Brotto & Smith, 2014).
Actionable Tips for Couples
- Expand Your Definition of Intimacy:
- Non-penetrative touch, massage, shared showers, or cuddling can build closeness without pressure.
- Take penetrative sex “off the table” for a set time—a technique proven to relieve anxiety for many couples (Masters & Johnson, 1970).
- Try Sensate Focus Exercises:
Developed by therapists William Masters and Virginia Johnson, sensate focus helps couples reconnect with physical sensations:
- Start fully clothed, and take turns gently touching each other—no goal or rush.
- Progress to skin-to-skin touch as comfort grows.
- Discuss what feels good or relaxing—no need for arousal to “prove” anything.
- Maintain Emotional Connection:
- Date nights, shared activities, laughing together, and mutual support matter.
- Studies show that couples who nurture their bond outside the bedroom report better outcomes inside, too (Muise et al., 2014).
- Be Patient and Celebrate Small Steps:
Progress is rarely a straight line. Celebrate efforts, not just results. Recognise any improvement in closeness and communication as real success.
Tools From Couples Therapy
What does couples therapy look like for sexual issues?
- Initial session to clarify each partner’s perspective—without blame.
- Building trust and emotional safety.
- Unpacking meaning: What does sex represent for each of you? Connection, acceptance, pleasure?
- Learning practical communication and touch techniques.
- Sometimes brief, solution-focused work is enough; sometimes deeper work is done.
Evidence:
- A review by McCarthy & Farr (2012) found that 70%+ of couples undertaking relationship-focused sex therapy reported improvement.
- Techniques like sensate focus, cognitive-behavioural therapy, and mindfulness were most useful.
When to Seek Help Together
- When the problem is causing distress or avoidance.
- When communication has broken down.
- When you’ve tried self-help and are “stuck.”
- If pain, trauma, or medical issues may be involved.
Where to start:
- BACP or COSRT-accredited therapists (searchable by “couple/relationship therapy” specialty)
- Relate (national provider of relationship therapy)
- Consider both face-to-face and online options
Sexual Dysfunction and Non-Traditional Relationships
These issues can affect any kind of romantic relationship, including non-monogamous, LGBTQ+, or blended families. Therapists are trained to respect all identities. If a provider isn’t inclusive or affirming, keep looking—you deserve understanding support.
Resources for Couples
Reading:
- Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson
- The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm
Conclusion
Sexual dysfunction does not have to spell disconnection or heartbreak. With kindness, honesty, and sometimes professional help, couples not only find solutions, but often rediscover intimacy, trust, and partnership.
The discomfort of talking about it is far outweighed by the relief, closeness, and hope that follow. Be brave together—your relationship is worth it.
References
- Mitchell KR, Mercer CH, Ploubidis GB, et al. (2013). Sexual function in Britain: findings from the third National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (Natsal-3). The Lancet, 382(9907), 1817–1829.
- Mark KP, Janssen E, Milhausen RR. (2014). Rejection sensitivity and sexual and relationship satisfaction. Journal of Sex Research, 51(7), 747–758.
- Brotto LA, Smith KB. (2014). Sexual desire and relationship context: Moving beyond individual-based models. Annual Review of Sex Research, 51, 17–35.
- McCarthy BW, Farr EA. (2012). Strategies for Sex Therapy: Sensate Focus and Related Techniques. Routledge.
- Masters WH, Johnson VE. (1970). Human Sexual Inadequacy. Little, Brown.
- Muise A, Impett EA, et al. (2014). Sexual frequency predicts greater well-being, but more is not always better. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 5(6), 678–685.
